Interview With Steph Grainger Therapeutic Mentor

In this episode I get to interview Steph Grainger. Steph is a therapeutic mentor for women. She helps women struggling with disconnection and clarity by creating a solution based space to reconnect and grow.

We talk about how Steph deals with her own inner child and how her inner child tries to hold her back.

Steph reveals her journey from employee to entrepreneur, her proudest moments in business, and her most challenging moments which have been caused by balancing  being a parent with running her business, and how she coped with that.

Steph reveals how having a therapeutic mentor can impact your life, and the positive changes she sees in her clients after working with her.

Steph embraces change in both her personal and business life and she ensures she does not stay in a situation which is making her unhappy. We discuss why so many people are afraid of change, and standing out from the crowd.  And how breaking a change down into small steps can help you process and achieve what you need to do to embrace change.

Steph reveals her top 3 actionable tips.

Steph has her own podcast called 'Just For Today' based on the services that she provides and the therapeutic skills and experience that she has. It's a 10 to 15 minute podcast every Monday morning to give you something to understand, learn or nuggets of information that can help life just feel that little bit easier for you.

Steph is launching 'Pause and Reconnect' in 2023, which is a monthly face to face gathering of women. This is a retreat of the mind and body. Women coming together, a space to let go, a space to receive support, give support, Steph will be there sharing her knowledge. Steph has a free Facebook group and lots of really accessible offerings for those that are wanting to know themselves a little bit better, but aren't quite ready for the full therapy experience. Steph offers a five day online workshop that you can do in your own time to reconnect to you.

Steph's website is stephgrainger.co.uk.
Instagram - @iamstephgrainger
Podcast - Just For Today

Follow me on social media, it's @jenlistercoaching on Instagram and LinkedIn.

My website is Jenlister.com

Click here to get my 7 mindset steps to starting or scaling your business

Music and production by the amazing Strike Productions

Podcast management by Dean at DBVirtual www.dbvirtual.co.uk

Transcript

Hello, and welcome to the Jennie Lister podcast. Here I'll be chatting about life, business growth strategies and sharing my personal journeys along the way. And we'll also be interviewing some incredible guests who are experts in their field. See, it's my little black book of business. Hello, and welcome back to The Jen Lister Podcast. I am extremely excited to have the amazing and wonderful Steph Granger here speaking with me today. So just to give you a quick intro, Steph, so you are a therapeutic mentor for women. And specifically, you help women struggling with disconnection and clarity by creating a solution based space to reconnect and grow. Which I just love. I love that you work with women, because for me, that's just such an important part of our generation to be working with and focusing on women. But also, I know how much you love working in person. So you're based in Essex, and although you work online as well, I know that how much you love that kind of in person connection. So the other thing that I will definitely add is you are the host of the just for today podcast, which we'll definitely talk about at some point.
I am. Hello, hello. Well, thank you. Thank you for having me on your podcast. It's a real pleasure and a privilege. Thank you.
Oh, no, I'm very, very happy to have you. And maybe we should start there talking about the podcast because you've had your own podcast journey recently, haven't you?
So me and my friend Lauren, have this idea at the beginning of 2022. We both fell in our personal Well, I guess in all areas of our life that we were lacking in our creativity, like an outlet. And I certainly feel at the beginning of 22 that I desired more opportunities to share my message and talk about the work I do. And Lauren wanted to find a platform to speak as well. So we were just mainly been friends for quite a bit, eight years. And we have these great coffee catch ups, which lasts for about two or three hours where we just talk about life. And we've shared difficulties with parenting and stuff. So we were like, let's just do a podcast and see if anybody wants to listen. So we started life unpacked, actually, it started as two old birds, then we really changed then we changed the name to life unpacked and, and we had a really buzzing, growing audience. And it was great. I absolutely loved it. But life as it does comes with its challenges. And over the summer, Lauren relocated, and had to focus her attention on her family at that time, and she didn't have the capacity to continue with the podcast. So we had a breakfast meet and talking about what we wanted to do. And she said, I really think you should take it on all by yourself. And I was like, oh, yeah, I'm not so sure about. I mean, you know, it's, you know, we're a bit of a double active. And that's what people are coming for. They're coming for the double end. Yeah. So a little bit of confidence boosting from our friend, let you know what let's just do it. What's the worst that's going to happen? Right? What is the worst that's gonna happen? So I rebranded it changed the name. And that's how just for today became a thing. And I've just recorded the fifth episode, which will be live on Monday. And so far, so good. So far, so good. Yes. Because
you had loads of listeners? Didn't you got up to the 1000s and 1000s. of listeners, and I guess it wasn't scary to them. Yeah, one change the name of it again, but also changed the format of it completely. Yeah,
completely, because it's a totally, totally different podcast. So I changed the name of the podcast, but kept all of the old podcasts that me and Lauren have recorded together. So they're still available for people to listen to. But what you'll notice is a massive shift, as soon as you get to the point where I'm going solo, because me and Lauren are, we were unfiltered completely. And we were very open and honest with what's going on for us. And the way I've shaped just for today is more based on the services that I provide in the therapeutic skills and experience that I have. So it's very much about a 10 to 15 minute podcast every Monday morning to give you something to understand or learn or nuggets of information that can help life just feel it that little bit easier for you. Yes.
And I know you're one of your latest one was was on boundaries, wasn't it?
Boundary last year on topic? Yeah, I think I must cover that subject at least three times a week with one or two or three of my clients. It's such an important thing for us to be aware of in our lives.
Yeah. And I feel like boundaries. It's not something that is static. It's something that is constantly needing to be reset and be discussed. Like as, for me family changes and grows. It's not like there's a boundary and it stays the same forever. They're constantly changing, which is kind of why like you say you have to keep coming back to it.
Yeah, yeah. because our lives are constantly changing, aren't they, you know, our boundaries around parenting are going to continually change because our children are growing all the time. So things will become values will become different priorities will become different. So we have to evolve with that whilst maintaining what feels right for ourselves within those boundaries.
Yeah, absolutely. So you talked about you needed like a bit of a pep talk from your friend, when you will be about whether to make that decision to make the champion to the podcast. So how did you get through that? I'm gonna call it maybe a bit of impostor syndrome or confidence, because that is something that I hear so often from, particularly female entrepreneurs, men sometimes as well, but and how did you get through that kind of challenge?
Well, I know through the therapeutic work that I've had done on myself, I know that my inner child, so I always go to about my seven year old little Steph has a real fear of being seen, because of the fear of what may come if she is noticed. So this, this is a belief that was adopted by me at a very early age that was imposed on me, you know, through conditioning, through love, I will say, you know, I think the majority of parents out there, we're doing the best they can with the resources they have available to them. And at the time, you know, it was very much a belief that, that girls were acted a certain way, and they didn't show off and they didn't, you know, just that was the kind of environment and as I've started to push into my own career, I've been challenged on that a few times of what if you do stand out, what are people going to think? What are people going to say, people are going to judge people, and all those things will start coming into my head. So I'm well versed in that dialogue. I know it's there. So as soon as that kind of kicked in. And I kind of voiced this to Lauren. And she started to reassure me, I then did a little bit of work with little Steph, because I know that it's her. That's just the phrase, really, of the what ifs and we get caught in that cycle of what if so often in our lives, it can really keep us standing still, through that place of fear. And I was just, you know, one of the things I say to myself all the time, and I've already said it this morning is what's the worst that's going to happen. If I make one person feel better through my podcast, my job's done as far as I'm concerned. So I'm just targeting one person. Now, when I'm talking and talking to one person, I don't allow myself to think anything further than that, just because my intention is just to make one person's life and that little bit easier. So that felt a lot lighter, to talk to myself in that way.
I love that. I love that. So do you think that they kind of talked about showing up as your true self and your uniqueness and stepping into that? I know, that's a big thing that you're championing a lot. Do you think that that is a process? Or do you think that's a light bulb moment for people? So if you think of that one listener that's listening that that wants needs to hear about that? Do you think that that happens overnight? Or is like a light bulb moment? Or do you think it's just something that's, you have to keep practising and it's takes time?
Yeah, I think for me, it was a it's a series of light bulb moments. It's years of aha. Oh, uh huh. You know, it's those. I didn't realise I felt like that because of that, or I didn't realise that had an influence of me on me because of that. And we don't know what we don't know. And it's only through investigative exploration of myself through therapy and personal development and business development that I'm having these constant. Oh, three weeks ago, I was on a course. And I was doing a three day course. And I had those moments then. And they've standing right in front of my face. I hadn't seen them before, you know. So I think life is a series of lightbulb moments if you're, if you're open minded, and you're ready to see them.
Yeah, I think that last bit is really true, isn't it if you're open minded and ready to see them because I, I remember, I definitely batting down my ambitions and goals many, many times because I thought that they weren't important, or I had to prioritise other things. And I think a lot of people feel like that.
i Oh, completely, completely. And I think you know, I don't know what it's like to be a man so I'm not even going to try and pretend I do. But I'm you know, generalising here but I think you know, women throughout our lifetime, whether we realise it or not, are always being told to settle and we're always being told to just do this or not let your light shine or, you know, I think yeah, it's it's again, it's a lot of it's through air classic conditioning in our lifetime, and it's true love that we're told this but you know, women are berated for going to work. Women are berated for being stay at home mums, you know, there's no there's no acceptance of either or, you know, there's this this thing now that we like mum guilt. Mom guilt is a brand new thing. Like, I don't remember my mom ever feeling mom guilt. I don't remember it being so openly spoken about. Yeah. I think it's another thing that's being imposed on us. And I think women are constantly being told to not prioritise them as themselves subliminally. Yeah. So yeah, it's, it's, it's really tricky to navigate this world as a female, I think.
Yeah, absolutely. And I definitely feel like I've settled so many times in my life, in relationships and in careers. And I can't quite put my finger on on, I guess what the light bulb moment was, but I, one of my missions is to help people realise that, that they can have more in their life. And I've got people, friends that are in corporate steel, and some of them not all of them, obviously. But some of them say to me, like, oh, wow, it's so amazing what you're doing, like, your own business. And I really want people to know that they can do that. If they want to do that they can do it. But but people sometimes think that you're different, or why can you do that? And that they can't be it's really not the case. It is this slow process of trying to dig deep and, and represent what you really want to be represented.
Yeah, I think there's this. Some of the women that I see, like, I just don't know what I want to do, I just don't know where I want to go. And I'll say, Well, let's start with who you are. First, let's figure out who you are. And let's figure out what you love and what you what you value and all of that. Let's figure that stuff out. The rest will come. But it's a big ask to know what you want to do with your life. Yeah, if you don't know who you are, to start with,
yeah, I think you're so right. I think society kind of tells us what we should want to be. And what we should want to do. Whether that's I know, when I was younger, it was like, get married by the time you're 25 have two kids. And yeah, be married forever. But actually, I mean, I didn't I didn't do most of that until I was 10 years older than that. So I think, yeah, trying to be okay with things not being standard is part of the process.
Mm hmm. Yeah, no, I agree. There's so much the women are being or young females as well are having limitations placed on themselves. You know, when you think even about period education, and how that's taught. I don't know how it's taught in schools now, because I'm not in that parenting arena now. But I know, from my own perspective, you know, periods were taught to us as a massive inconvenience that we had to manage. And that's basically how the education when I, every client I work with, I talk about cycles, because there's so much power to our cycles, and we don't understand them at all. Yeah, and if you know, and, again, if we can work with them, we become really powerful beings. And then we know when's the time to surge? When's the time to push ahead? When's the time to reflect? When's the time to just, you know, be kind and compassionate to yourself. And that's, that's happening every month for us? You know? So again, it's, it's taught to us that this is this massive inconvenience that we have to put up with, as females? Yeah, I know. It's a pain. Sometimes I yeah, there are days when I think I'm done with this stuff. Can you just like stop now? Yeah, you know, but I do also see the value. And if we could start teaching young females have had harness the power of their cycles, that would be a really good starting point as well.
Yeah, absolutely. And not not hiding it either. Like, no, mine is not a dirty little secret. No, it's not. I'm very open about it. I write it on the calendar, like everyone in the house will know when it's my time in advance. But not because it's like, I'm going to be in a bad mood, or it's going to be a hard time. But just because I do need to I know I need to rest more, and I need to take out that time for myself more. And yeah, like you say, not hiding it not. It shouldn't be a secret. No, I
totally agree. Because I live in a house full of manners. You know, they're not they are my children and my husband. And we quickly put that in there. You know, they they're all very aware, because like they say, there's three or four days a month where I need them to just give me space. Yeah. And they will be aware of those times, I do actually send my husband an image of my period back and just say it's coming. You know, please be aware. Ya
know, I'm the same. And I'm, like I say to Ben, I'm like, you need to do more in I'll notice this is random. But I'll notice the mess and the dirtiness in the house much more when I'm doing on. And I'm like, I just need you to do a little bit more on those few days. Because yeah, I will just get wound up much more, much more. Yeah, no, I agree. Yeah, it's funny, isn't it? So let's talk about change. Because I know that you're obviously not afraid of change. You've done many changes in your life along relationships in careers podcast, which we've talked about already. And it kind of goes back to that being your unique self and showing up so what do you think holds people back and makes them scared of change? Because that is a very typical, especially British thing that we don't like change what things stay the same?
Ultimately fear, the fear of what if again, it comes back back to, but what might happen, you know that they're saying that the devil, you know, is so true when it comes to change, you know, people can sit in really difficult situations for a long sustained period of time. Not because they enjoy it, but because it's what they know. And actually the unknown to them is a lot more frightening. So, you know, I know my life is like this, and I know I can expect this from it. But I know what I can expect from it, you know, so it's that there is I know, so many people that are fearful of change and actually look at me, like, I got two heads sometimes when I'm like, Oh, I'm doing this now. And they're like, What? Can't you just, you know, and I think as well, and I certainly my parents will be quite confused, by the way the changes I make sometimes because they're like, isn't it just okay to just stay and stay in the same place? No, because I'm not happy in that place. So now I won't stay in the same place. And I do you think life is way too short? Yeah. For for being unhappy or being miserable or being frustrated. And I'm not saying that change is easy. It most definitely is not. And it it takes some time and determination and persistence to see that through. But I know on the other side is going to be a much more aligned me. So willing to push through that. But I think that ultimately why people stay stuck is because of the fear freezes them. Yeah. And sometimes it's better to be in that place, yet, in some way unknown.
And I don't, I feel like, for me, personally, I've always struggled with worrying what other people think of me, it has been something that has literally affected me my whole life. And I don't actually know how I do what I do now. But I know a lot of people do feel it. One of the things that helped me that I realised is someone said to me, once people will judge you for like five seconds, and then they'll go back to their own life and worry about what's going on in their own life. So that did help me a little bit. But I do think for some reason, there's that fear of what other people think of you, when you when you go about that change, whether it's leaving a relationship, whether it's leaving a job, whether it's, I don't know, just just added I'm changing something significant in your life.
I think if we think about humans from a hardwiring, primal perspective, and go back to the days that we lived in very different ways, like in the caves as an example. Yeah, being somebody that stood out from the crowd, or being somebody that wanted to change things up, actually put you in a place of danger, right? You know, so when we lived in the caves, we worked together as a community. And if you stood out, you were almost rejected from that community, which did put you in a real dangerous position. So human nature in US wants us wants to be part of something we want, really, we want steadiness, we want continuity, we want safety, we want all of those things. So actually, for for many, the thought of changing something that's been in their life for a long time is hardwired, they're hardwired to be fearful of that. So it makes sense from that type of from that perspective, or some people just will always stay in that type of mindset.
So what would you say to someone because I remember vividly, and I don't speak much about this, but I was in a relationship where I was, I had those feelings come up for me of like, oh, I need to do something, I need to do something different. Yeah, I need to take some sort of action, but then I would suppress those feelings a lot. And then I just keep going. Again, and I've had it not only in relationships, but also in careers. What would you say was be a practical step for somebody that's feeling that because I am sure there's people out there that feel like that, 
I would say that overwhelm can be the the emotion that will keep you staying in one place. So let's just say you're going to change your career. Yeah. And the thought of, you know, starting to look for jobs is overwhelming. So you will procrastinate on that or you will find something else that's a priority. The tool that I give my clients, which is where the title for the podcast comes from, is just for today, what actionable step can you take? So it could be just for today, you look at your CV. And that's all you do today, and we don't think about anything further than today. And then you create another actionable step for tomorrow. And then you create another one for the day after or over. It doesn't have to be a week it could be a period of months, one week one once a week. It's manageable steps that you're taking that feel more lendable feel less overwhelming, then appointing a recruitment agency or something like that, when when my clients are kind of stuck in that what if cycle which you know, can feel like anxiety, okay, let's just break this down to really small little actionable steps that we can take. And we're not going to worry about tomorrow, we're just going to focus on just for today, that then makes it so much smaller, it feels so much lighter, to be able to start moving towards change. So if this is a big life change you're making, and it's just I don't know, like, you want to leave a relationship, you know, and the whole premise of leaving that relationship is so huge. It's like, okay, well, what could you do just for today, I don't know, clear out your wardrobe, start getting rid of some stuff you don't need. I don't know, you know, things like that. Break it down into really small, manageable chunks that feel less heavy in your body. Because when we get overwhelmed, we just, we just shut down, we just know too much. I'm gonna put it over there. And it's not, you know, we don't we don't start working towards that goal.
I love that. I really love that. And I, I truly love your name Jasper today as your podcast, when you told me that was gonna be the name, it just I was like, wow, that is such an amazing name. And I appreciate it so much. Because my podcast, it's called The Jen Lister Podcast, because I literally could not any other name. So it was like, just call it your name, because so I really appreciate how much that aligns to you as a brand. And as, as Steph Grainger, what you represent.
It's funny, though, because I didn't find that name myself. And I must say to my clients, again, it's one of those things I talked about all the time I hold just for today kind of mantra. I use it all the time. And it was one of my clients that actually when I put it out to my Facebook group, I'm trying to find a name, she gave it to me. And she's like, well, what's just for today, you say all the time, and I was like, Oh my God, how did I not even see this? Again? those light bulb moments can be right in front of you. And you just
don't see them? No, you need to you need to trademark that.
Yeah, no, probably right.
To Do list, just so on that point, as well, I just wanted to say is I completely agree about, I think for me, when I rewind and think about those experiences I've been through where I've needed to make a big change. I've got myself in this massive overwhelm, because I've seen it as a really big decision. It's like, should I should I leave? Or should I stay? As an example, whether it was a job or relationship, whatever that may be. But actually, I've come to realise now that it is making those tiny little decisions that all build up to the big decision, for example, like you said, Should I actually just have a look at the other jobs out there? Or should I go and take a break? Should I go in have a habit, some distance and some space from that relationship to see how I feel? Like we're not making a big decision of let's quit this thing? And I've definitely, I definitely feel like for me, on reflection, that was a that's actually a good way to approach these things, which is exactly what you've said. Yeah.
Yeah, cuz it just feels so huge, doesn't it? I mean, if you're thinking of changing your career, maybe read a book about something you would like to know more about as a step or, you know, I don't know someone that's feeling unhappy in their life, and they don't know why, but they can't figure it out. Take an actual step as in speak to, maybe somebody that can help you, whether that's a business coach was the life coach, whether it's the therapist, whatever, you get some support around you, so that you have a foundation to build upon.
Yeah, and I think working with a therapist is the best thing ever. Because I know, I was in a position when I was 30. And I was single, and I was concerned that I would never be able to have children. For various reasons. I'd never meet anybody, I'd never fall in love. And I had, I don't know if I've spoke about this before, but my brother and his wife, Louise, Dina Lucy, they have and have this beautiful romance and a beautiful relationship. And I was like, Oh, my goodness, I'm never gonna have that. And I won Christmas. It was like the 27th of December, I finally message, the lady that would become my therapist. And the work that I did with her transformed me. And I met Ben in three months after that. And I genuinely fell in love. And we've obviously got a daughter now, so I can't speak highly enough about the work that you do. Because I genuinely believe there's no point in staying stuck in that negative spiral of I'm going to be single forever. I'm never going to meet anyone. I'm never going to find a relationship like that. Because I'm not saying I'm not saying it's a direct. I can't prove this directly related, but it was me that shifted. My mindset was me that focused on me again, and what I wanted to spend my life doing and somehow magically I've met Yeah, I met the guy and I would,
I would say there was there was no magic there at all either. Say, I genuinely believe in, you know, getting to know yourself understanding yourself clearing away stuff that's not helping you. And then a whole different world just opens up you see the world through a different set of eyes and you, you have an understanding as a, when you have an understanding of yourself, you understand what's important to you, in terms of who you bring into your life. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, the right people just appear, you know, like when I met my husband, who now I was, I was going through a really difficult divorce. I was trying to parent my kids through that divorce as well. And I wasn't particularly open to having another relationship. But I was also on a massive journey of self discovery as well, and dealing with lots of really difficult stuff that happened prior to that. And he just became a friend. And we started talking, and I realised that it was so funny, though, right? When we first actually went out on a first official date, I was very clear on what wasn't acceptable to me in a relationship. And I might as well have had a clipboard and a pen because I was asking him so many questions. He said, he felt like it was an interview. And I was amazed that he didn't put you off. He actually said, Well, no, I actually found it really appealing, because you're so strong and knew exactly what you wanted. And I knew that you didn't need me you was like very much like, if I'm going to bring you into my life, you have to be worthy almost. I even asked him if you'd like to camping because I hate camping. And it was a real, that would have been a deal breaker for me. I think it's so important that we get to know ourselves and anybody that I see that is really struggling with who they are, but wants to be in a relationship, I would strongly suggest they get to know themselves first. So they then make really good informed decisions.
I love that. And I completely think that's what I did. I spent those three months doing all the hobbies that I love, like looking at like thinking about myself, obviously working on myself, and prioritising myself more than I ever had. And also putting it out there. I basically anyone I spoke to was like, Yeah, this is the kind of person I'm looking for. I'm single, yes, I'm very much single. Yes, I'm very open to dating. I will say if anything right now. Like, obviously, yeah, there was a limit. But yeah, I was very open to meeting new people. And yeah, somehow, someone amazing, put me in touch with them, which is cool. So let's go back to the career side of things, because I'm really interested. And in my podcast, I definitely want to include this because I'm really passionate about this is that shift we talked about a little bit earlier from employee to entrepreneur. So I always had this fire in my belly when I was in the corporate world working for somebody else that I was like, Oh, I hate being told when to take holidays, I really want to have my own business. I have no idea what in. So I'm just interested to know like, what was your employee to entrepreneur moment? Because I know it's really hard for people to make that shift. People see it as very binary, where like, you have to be one or the other. You can do both. I did it very binary. And I wouldn't recommend it. So what was your experience and your story on that stuff?
Well, I, after I left school, I was a travel agent. And I used to I loved that work. And then I had my children and was a stay at home mom. And I was very proud to be a stay at home mom. And once and then my youngest son at that point, was getting ready to start school. And I was getting divorced at the same time. And so I had a necessity to go out to work and get back into the workplace from a financial perspective. So I went to work for an insurance company and I was a claim handler for an insurance company. If I'm honest, it was the most soulless job I've ever done in my life. And that's no disrespect to anybody that does that. It just wasn't for me. But I worked for a company. The majority of the people I worked with I really liked working with but it was a family led business where children were the children of the owner was very given preferential treatment. So that was a challenge for me from the get go because I really struggle with that type of behaviour and people not being treated fairly and that type of thing. And it was so obvious it wasn't even like, discreet. So but I kept going because I had three young children. I at that point was then renting my property with my sons and I had bills to pay. So I just sucked it up. But each and every day my life was just feeling more and more kind of frustrated and I was driving to work thinking just get through it, just get through it. It's paying the bills, but I had always had this little inkling in the back of my head about working with women. And at that point it was working with women in childbirth, and I believe this spark came From when I lived in America when I was 19 for a year and I worked with a family, I went out as an au pair. And I worked with a family and they were very open about childbirth and showed me the video of their latest baby being born. And I just loved it. I just loved everything about it. And I'd heard the word doula probably when I lived in America. And I just, actually, when I was married, the first time I'd put it out there that I really liked to either train in midwifery or do something in that area, and that at that time, it wasn't a viable option. So I started reading about doulas and looking at on websites and stuff thinking, this is just this keeps calling I keep hearing this noise. I'm gonna just, I'm just gonna go out there and see, see what comes I did some research found Dooley UK, and went to a introduction day for a Saturday, I spent a day in a beautiful house in London, this beautiful old townhouse. And there was about 12 or 13 of us women there and a woman that was at the time she was the chair of duty UK. And I just was that was it. For me, it was one of those moments of like, this is what I'm supposed to do. This is where I'm supposed to be. So I got in the car on the way home found my partner who's now my husband and went this is it. This is it, I've got to do this, I have to do this. There's no option here, I have to find a way to do this. So I continued working for a while was I did my training and what I started building up my network and getting my name out there and everything. And then I had been I was at a place where I could take that leap, and actually leave the job. That was never a better day when I handed my notice in on that job. There you go. Bye bye. Oh, that was such a that was such a great day. Yeah, so that was kind of where it all started. I could not go back into that type of environment. Now. I believe I'm completely unemployable. I love working at my own pace with my own hours. With clients that I love. Nothing feels uncomfortable, nothing is clunky, it all flows. So I yeah, I'm grateful every single day that I get to do the work I do. And I don't do love anymore. I'm just gonna put it out there. I'm not a dealer anymore. I stopped doing the ring around five years ago, but during was the best money I've ever spent the training the women that I got to work with women I continue to have in my life as a result of that work. It was the gateway open to the doors to everything I do now. I'm eternally eternally grateful for that work.
I think that what you just said, open the gates the doorway to what you do now. Yeah. So in the end, because I think that's what happens when you start working on yourself is you start going on this journey, and it's got ups and downs. And it's like a roller coaster. But you start to yeah, basically get get where you are because I didn't. Yeah, I didn't wake up one day and start the business that I'm in today. Out of nowhere. It's taken a lot of personal development, personal growth work. And I think that's something that people need to remember is that yeah, it's it's it's a journey and be open to different opportunities and beat for the stepping stone, even if it was a hard stepping stone that's got you next next place. Even tough stuff isn't necessarily failure. It's just a learning massively,
yeah. Oh, my gosh, absolutely. Every step of the last 12 years, say eight out of 10 steps have been really powerful. To to the steps have been really difficult, and they've taught but they've taught me so much about myself. And I've learned so many valid lessons from those difficult experiences. So, yeah, it's not all once you realise what you want to do with the rest of your life, everything's great. It still comes with its challenges. But those challenges are so valuable,
as well. Yeah, yeah, I heard something the other day that said, we never thank the people that give us those big challenges. We always thank the people that help on the good times. But actually, can you go back and think or even if you do it kind of in your head in your private time, thank the people that have made your life really tough. And because you actually do learn more about yourself and about what you will tolerate and won't tolerate from those difficult experiences.
100 100% I do an exercise with my clients called platform of success. And this is about looking at everything that holds you up today. And that's everything, not just the qualifications, you've got blah, blah, blah. It's actually the really traumatic events that you've experienced people that have hurt you the sadness, the anger, all of it has meant that you stand how you are today, so solidly, and so connected to yourself. So I am grateful, and I call it I'm grateful for all the Collateral Beauty in my life because and that hasn't all been easy. Like it's been far from easy at times. But I look back at it. We think and go, thank goodness, because actually, I get to do this work because of that. So I'm very grateful for all of it.
I love it so much. You'd never go back to the employee life, you're always Oh, my goodness, no. Where do you think your businesses is gonna go now over the next like, I'd know, two years, five years. Again, guess 23, for me
is just about reaching as many women as I can helping women create the change in their lives that they desire, whether that's reaching through just my podcast, or whether that's through my free Facebook group, or working one to one with me, or any opportunities that like the one you're giving me today, just to be able to speak? Yeah. I won't know if this has had an effect on anybody. But I hope it has. And, you know, that's just what I want to create opportunities in 23 to be able to
do Yeah, no, absolutely. Tell me what your proudest moment. And your biggest challenge has been in your business so far.
Okay. So tough one, proudest moments, I would say, I can't, I can't put it to one. And I think I, I have those pinch me moments. Sometimes when I get in my car, when I'm maybe driving home from my therapy space, or getting off a zoom, or in any capacity that I'm working. And I just sit down and think oh my gosh, that woman has just allowed me into her world. Like, I feel so humbled and privileged all the time that the things that women share with me and open up to me about, I honestly, feel so grateful that they give me that opportunity to do that and walk beside them. So, you know, when I was working as a doula, I was watching women transform from woman to mother. And I've seen over 50 women give birth, and each and every one of them was just this, oh, my gosh, I've just witnessed this beautiful transformation. And even I don't do that work anymore. I'm still witnessing beautiful transformations. And I get to see that, and it feels like yeah, I feel really proud to be able to do that every single day.
Can you tell me, obviously without giving any information, but what kind of transformations you see from your clients when they work with you. I think
it's just that they start to see who they are, what makes them who they are. All the experiences of how they how they have been created. When they stand in their power, and when they just go, You know what I am, I'm valuable. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be seen, I deserve to be heard. I won't compromise these things anymore. I know I'm a valuable human being. Those are the trends. Those are the transformations. Whether it's something really, I say really small, I don't mean that in terms of trauma, but I've worked with birth trauma. And when you see women go from talking about their birth and just being destroyed and so openly devastated by the experience to next in a matter of two or three sessions, have them sitting there going, You know what, it's fine. It's not how I wanted it to be. Yeah, but I actually can see a time where I might do it again, you know, and it's those moments you go, Oh, my gosh, that's incredible.
Yes. And equally a bit when someone goes actually I'm not going to stay in this job now. Or I'm not going to, I'm going to I don't know, with my relationship, I'm going to stand up for myself more ever. It may be Yeah,
yeah, I have, I have the belief that there's change, I can make change, or I have, there's possibilities for me that don't look like this. And I'm not, you know, it's not in relationships. It's not always about that woman deciding she doesn't want to be in it anymore. She just wants to show up in it. She just wants to be in that partnership, and actually be you know, in that 5050 type of companionship. And it's that doesn't mean you have to leave. It's just actually finding yourself in that relationship or shifting because, you know, we we vote all the time as women, we're going through motherhood, and then we shifted, the kids are getting older, and then we can Okay, I've got more time. What do I want to do now and actually, the relationship then evolves again, and all of those things.
My, my very, very first coach that I ever worked with was when I lived in Australia and her name was an is Lata Hamilton. She's just amazing. And I remember asking her because I was very confused about relationships and love at a certain point, and I said, What do you think love is and I remember really clearly she said to me, she believes that it's when you can learn to change together, like you change, you evolve together and you change together and you still what you change and you still come back together ultimately, and that's really beautiful. And I think I think we're all made up of cells. Our cells are changing all the time yet we're really against change, which doesn't make sense to me. So I for me, I definitely agree with that definition. I think love is lots of things. Do we have to be open to each other changing?
And as long as you have, you know, open channels of communication. And as a woman, you have the ability to voice that in a way that feels safe. Yeah, then you can work your way through those things. It's again, helping them with those women find their voices, and just say what matters to them making themselves a priority.
Yeah, absolutely. So you're not getting out of this question. What was your what has been your biggest challenges in your business so far?
I think, probably parenting alongside it. Wow. I think my children are older. So currently, as we record, my children are 20, 24 and 26. So they are pretty much self sufficient working out in the world, ones left home two still at home. But around four or five years ago, my youngest son found life all a bit too much GCSE started added up. And parenting, the supporting him. And the subsequent effect that was having on the whole family whilst wanting to be present for clients was a huge challenge for me. Because I wasn't, I didn't have the energy to be able to do both. Being the mom I wanted to be and be the support system I wanted to be and that he needed me to be, and then be able to give that to clients as well. Yeah. So I had to pull back. And I had to recognise that I needed to have space to be able to not only work with him, but work through what I was experiencing as well, because I was very much in a place of fear and uncertainty with him, and being able to help him through what he was experiencing. So whilst that was a huge challenge, and when I think back on those times, there was a point where I just thought, Gosh, how am I ever going to get out of this, this fog that I made and find my way back to work and being able to give the support that I want to give to clients? And the answer was, of course, going back to therapy and doing some more work on myself and getting the support in place that I needed. But now it's giving me a whole nother perspective that I can now provide to my clients, because I understand that challenge. Yeah. And I can, it was such a challenge. But it actually gave me anxiety, I was really struggling with anxiety. I wasn't sleeping, because anxiety and insomnia were on the best of friends. I was awake all night worrying. And then when he went to school, I was sleeping, so I could get some energy again. So I really got to experience what anxiety feels like, it's the first time I can recall experiencing it quite like that. So I then threw myself into understanding anxiety, and really reading loads. And now I can offer that support to clients that are experiencing something similar. So huge challenge in my business. But again, it's made me who I am today, and he's fine. And he's flourishing, and he's in his career and all these good.
So you're glad you took those absent steps into that?
Yes, yes, absolutely. Absolutely. It's again, you know, it's a tough step to then dig into those thoughts and feelings and actually work through them. But it was great work to
do. Yeah, I definitely think parenting and running a business is so so difficult. Yeah, me and my other half are both self employed. And yeah, I mean, we've got a young daughter, but I feel like it's just going to constantly bring us challenges.
It's emotionally challenging as they get older, less physical, but more emotional, challenging, I would say, I think, you know, parenting anyway, is a challenge doesn't matter what age the child is. But at different points, they may trigger some of your past experiences, or they may on Earth, things that happen to you around that age, and it can be really easy to transfer your fears, worries concerns onto that child. So I've again, it's something I've worked on to pull back and not make it about me as well.
Yeah. makes so much sense. Mabel was at the playground the other day, and some children basically said to her, you can't play with me when she'd gone over really nicely and said, Please, could I play with you? And it really triggered for me because I remember getting left out at school. And it really, really made me angry, like, and what you just said really resonated with me. And it's hard. It's so hard to not bring, like you say your own experiences into those moments.
Yeah, yeah. Is I had to really put this separation between it so that I could get some perspective on it and not relive all the emotions that I had experienced around that. So yeah,
absolutely. Absolutely. So we I know Were part of some networking groups and networking groups. And I wanted to kind of connect into that challenge that you talked about, like, I feel like as entrepreneurs, we experience such different challenges to the the employee world. And it is quite tricky sometimes, isn't it? It's, despite the fact that we've got these businesses. And we want to come across as thriving businesses very much like often we have got stuff going on in our personal lives. And it's really hard to, because I really like to be open and authentic. But at the same time, there's a point that you don't really want to be sharing all of your dirty laundry, publicly on social media, but you have got the reality of of life alongside running a business. And when you're the face the business that is tricky. What's your view on that?
Yeah, there is a fine line, I share a lot of myself on social media. Because very much the story of my life has made me the therapist I am and why I'm even a therapist as well. Yeah, I think if some of the life events that I've experienced hadn't happened, I may be doing something very different. Who knows? Right? It's like that sliding doors moment, but there is an element of don't overshare because I, I, I mean, can you imagine working with me, and then I'm on social media going, Oh, my God, my life is so terrible. You'd be like, Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna work with her today. You know, I think there's an element of that. But I do think people buy from people and that authenticity, and that relatability. So, and certainly women, they're going to look at someone that they think Arjuna I really relate to her or really hear her when she speaks, or she's definitely going to get me or she's definitely going to understand the struggles I'm experiencing. So I have no issues with people knowing about my life story. And but I don't share it every single day. Or if I'm having a difficult week parenting or with my relationships, or whatever. I'm not going to put that all over social media, because it's also, I don't want to give everything as well, as you know, there's a part of me that wants to keep a peace for my children and peace of mind from my partner and stuff. Yeah,
no, absolutely. Absolutely. No, I love that. And you're very much correct me if I'm wrong, but you're you want to be working with female entrepreneurs in 2023?
Yes, yes. I love working with women in all capacities, I have a lot of value to bring to women that have that are entrepreneurs, from a therapeutic perspective on you know, how to find their voice on how to bring up their confidence, how to show up, like networking is a big example. Lots of the women that I work with them are running their own businesses, they find it absolutely terrifying to walk into a room that's full of strangers to talk about themselves, like what they do. So you know, things like that is not necessarily a strategy of what you're going to do. It's helping them show even show up and open the door and find that confidence. And there's tools that I can give them to help them talk to themselves and prepare themselves for stuff like that. So I love working with women in business, because it's theirs. It's tricky. It can be tough. And all of the subliminal messaging we've had over our lifetime, like we were talking about earlier, one of stay small and stay quiet and don't stand out. That's going to be challenged massively if you want to run your own business. So it's kind of and harnessing you know, the powers that you have inside you including your cycle. All of that stuff I will work with with women in business as well.
I love that. And what's your trick when it comes to networking? Because I feel like you are
loving it. Networking. You're
great at it. I see you everywhere. Networking, it's not your a networking thing.
I am it's the funny networking group. I'm hosting a group for them and chances from January every month. So yeah, when that opportunity came, I was like, I'll take that because it's it's yeah, it's perfect for the work that I do. But when I first became a doula there was around three or four doulas in Essex, there's about 30 now but now, at that time, the community was really small and the awareness of the work of doulas was unknown completely, like some people heard about it, but and people believed it was a luxury item. For those that had lots of money to have that person by their side, when in fact dude is an extremely accessible to everybody on every level, but so putting together a marketing flyer or paying for I mean, Facebook wasn't that big then But then Facebook ad would have been completely pointless, because nobody even knew what they were. Yeah. So I was always looking for okay, how can I start talking about this work? And this little networking group popped up in Chelmsford, it doesn't exist anymore. And I was like, Well, I don't know what this is, but I'm going so and it was like a little coffee morning and I went along and it was always women, always mums and you just chatted, and you just chatted, it was like, this is nice. This is like a little Monday morning support group I'm gonna go, then I started noticing how beneficial it was because people will say, you know, I have heard about that, or oh my god, my friend was saying the other day that she's really frightened of birth and bla bla bla bla, and that I started noticing, okay, this is really beneficial. So then I would look for more opportunities. So I would say networking has been the biggest investment I've made financially and timewise it the whole time I've been self employed. I rarely, rarely pay for advertising, other than networking. But I don't see it as a marketing tool, per se. I see this as me have been around other women that know stuff that I don't know. And I know stuff and I can share with them. And it's collaboration and it's community and it's connecting with other people. I've done the the breakfast 6:30am style networking, not really my bag. I don't like getting up that early. But that's it's one of the main reasons but there are the reasons that isn't really for me. But I also do networking like wi bn Women in Business Networking, which is a membership base that is a slightly more corporate, but I also love, love, love the the morning gatherings with coffee and things like that as well. So I will put myself wherever I can. Because it just builds my community. And who doesn't want a community of like minded females in their life? Because I know I do so. And I can go along and I've been in business for 12 years, and there may be a woman has been in business for 10 minutes. But she's she's still going to know something that I don't know. Yeah. And I'm gonna know something that she doesn't know. And it's just, I love it. I absolutely love it. So I guess I just see it as a long game. See, don't see it as a way to sell your services. See it as a way to build a community around you. That's gonna keep you going when you don't want to when you feel like you're gonna go get a proper job. Yeah, absolutely.
And I think one of the things you said is, you come across very open minded with it, like you say, you go to the events, and you don't, you don't go there to expect to get a new client. It's about going there. Learning from other people and building connections. And when I think about you and I, I didn't know you existed this time last year. That I think the first exposure I had to you was probably March, April May time even if it was definitely when
we were in some sort of lockdown or some kind of COVID scenario, though, I think, yes, it might have been slightly, potentially came along to one of the village zoom events in the evenings might Yeah, yeah. But
like, as an example, we've seen each other at events, networking events in person online, we've met up for coffee recently. And obviously we're doing this and I think collaboration, women are so good at collaborating. Women are so good at building relationships. So as a woman in business, I feel like networking is such an important tool because we're so we are actually really good at it.
Yeah, we are and women naturally want to support and nurture others. It is in our in our kind of in our DNA to do that. So yeah, I think that there have been times I've walked in a room. I did one breakfast one once and we'll open the door and it was about 40 people. And I would say 80% of them were men. And I just everything in my body was saying go home, go home, go home, go home. And I just thought no, not gonna listen to that inner critic. Did I push through the door walked up to three men that were saying I went Hi, I'm Steph Ranger. Nice to meet you. What do you do? And inside was going oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. And I just stood there with a smile on my face. Because I knew that that inner critic that she was She's amazing. And she wants me to be safe. But she wasn't helping me at that point. So so every time that little noise things into my head, like just just go home, get your pyjamas on, you're gonna be fine. I'm like, no, come on. We're doing this. Come on. We'll do this together. And I push through. Yes. And it pays off every single time. It may take a year sometimes for someone to go. Now my friend goes to a networking group we do and she told me about you. I'm okay with
that. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's the long guy with with network. Yeah, but I'd most definitely I definitely feel like I've been in rooms where it's been mostly male. And I've gone up and shaken like people's hands, but been really nervous about it. And also been on the opposite where a man will come up to a group where I'm amongst other men and they'll shake all the men's hands and ignore me and I'm like, That's not okay. No, it's not okay. It's not okay. We have to as women like be Yeah. Yeah. Be bold and and make a statement in those situations. Yeah. Yeah. But that's a whole nother topic.
Isn't it? Yes.
Let's, let's wrap up. So I'd love you to share your top three actionable tips for our listeners today.
I would say the one thing that obviously I've spoken about already which is the just for today. This is the tool that I use all the time and it is when the world feels overwhelming, or tomorrow feels like it's out of your control. Or if you're struggling with anxiety, bring your mind back to the present and what's in front of you and what you can do for yourself just today. This has saved me so many times when my mind is spiralling, it's just for today, I am going to be kind and compassionate to myself. And I will worry about tomorrow when tomorrow arrives. And it's a process of continuously saying it to yourself. But eventually your unconscious will get used to that and will be like, Okay, we're just focusing on today. So that's one top tip. The other is gratitude. It's something I do every morning. One thing, yeah, I will sit in the morning and write all the things I'm grateful for as I wake up. And then as I go through the day, I noticed that I keep noticing, and I'll be like, oh, yeah, I'm really grateful for that. So I might verbally say that or internally say that. But gratitude keeps you noticing all of the abundance in your life rather than the lack that may be there or may not. I love
the verbal side of that I constantly throughout the day, say thank you for things to people. And it does help making it just like a normal practice.
Yeah, I think it's really imperative, especially around times, like now where there's a lot of scarcity in the media. I mean, I would tell you to turn that off straightaway. Like don't watch the news. We have an agreement in my house, which is need to know, my husband likes to know the news. He likes to know what's happening. And I we have this agreement, do I need to know this, then don't share it with me? Yeah. So that's the agreement we have. So yeah, just for today, gratitude. And the last tip I would say is journaling. And that's from a perspective of connecting to your feelings. Again, a lot of my clients don't have emotional awareness around why they're feeling the way they are. So the practice I get them doing is to just start noticing journaling through the day, I feel like this, I feel like that and then we start connecting the dots as to what might be creating that feeling in their bodies, to give them that beginnings of emotional awareness.
I love that because we really noticed that we're having a down day, but we don't notice that we're having a good day because I was just thinking as you were saying that. God I feel really great today. But I don't acknowledge that I say that I don't feel great. I'm very much acknowledge and I make a big deal of but actually, we should celebrate the days we feel good.
Yeah, absolutely celebrate every part i my first effort and gratitude of the day is I am grateful for waking up. Because actually, you know, this is another day of opportunity and other day of growth and other day of learning. I'm grateful for that.
Yeah. Oh my goodness. If so, so. So Right. Absolutely. I'm gonna go forward in my day with that mantra now. So tell me your how people can find you, Steph. So your website, socials and what it is that you've got going on for people right now.
Okay, so my website is Steph grainger.co.uk. And that's Granger with an eye I say that every time because people spell my name without an ISIS G or a i n g. Yeah. And my Instagram, which is where you find me most of the time is, I am at I am Steph Granger, all
the time that you are the most consistent always on Instagram I've ever
known. I like it, you know, there's days where I don't like it. And I don't do it. But I tend to really enjoy my social media because it's very much aligned to what I do and how I do it. So I'm pretty happy with being on social media. But there are times when I can't be bothered. So I don't and that's okay, as well. So. So what's going on at the moment? Well, I've got lots of lots of things going on. As we push into 2023. I am launching, pause and reconnect in 2023, which is my monthly face to face gathering of women. It's thinking like a retreat, but not a retreat of the in the most common sense. This is a retreat of the mind and body. It's not a workshop, it's not networking. This is just women in circle, women coming together a space to let go a space to receive support, give support, I obviously will be there sharing knowledge that I have, as well, we will have lovely food. Yeah, it's just a pause in time once a month for women, which I'm really excited to bring in 2023. Also, the podcast, I have a free Facebook group and lots of really accessible offerings for those that are kind of wanting to know themselves a little bit better, but aren't quite ready for the full therapy experience. So lots of tools that they can have just to explore how they're feeling or I do a five day online workshop that they do in their own time for reconnect to you, which is just again, little tools that I share with my clients to help women reconnect to themselves understand themselves understand their feelings and all that lovely stuff. So lots of there.
Wow, sounds amazing. Okay, brilliant. Well, we'll make sure that we put the links to your socials and your website so people can find you and find the latest offers from you. Yeah, is all over the website. Amazing. Well, thank you so much. Thank
you, James.
And I can't wait to put this episode out.
That's so lovely to have to be welcomed onto the podcast. So thank you.
Thank you so much for listening to The Jen Lister Podcast. I truly appreciate every single one of you. If you'd like to leave me a review on your podcast app, I would love that. And if you'd like to follow me on social media, it's @jenlistercoaching on Instagram and LinkedIn